The Scar
by Starberry-Cupcake
Summary: "She could sense that he was scared to ask, maybe because he didn't know whether or not he would hit a sensitive topic or maybe because he didn't want to verify if his assumption was true. And Helga knew what he was assuming: that she did that to herself." Set after TJM and The Patakis.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hey Arnold!, if I did, Craig would have green light for all the HA projects he would be willing to do.

**Pairing:** It's Helga-centric but it does have AxH

**Setting:** After The Jungle Movie and The Patakis (after Arnold comes back to Hillwood, to be precise)

**Raiting:** T for language and content, not for steamy situations (I know, I'm sorry, not in this one)

It's a bit long, I hope it worths your time!

* * *

**The Scar**

She wasn't sure how to feel in that moment. His eyes were gazing upon her arm, then her face, then her arm again. She could sense that he was scared to ask, maybe because he didn't know whether or not he would hit a sensitive topic or maybe because he didn't want to verify if his assumption was true. And Helga knew what he was assuming: that she did that to herself.

She had been wearing long sleeves due to the cold weather so the scar had been covered ever since he came back from San Lorenzo, a couple of weeks before, to stay in Hillwood for good. They had talked, set things straight and were trying to work things out; their feelings for each other hadn't change and Helga was hoping their relationship, now that they both grew up, could get stronger and better than before. That was, until she took off her hoodie and revealed the scar on her right forearm. It was an irregular line placed in the inside of her wrist and, even if it had completely healed, the wound left a permanent reminder on her body.

She knew she had to say something, or it would look worse than she thought it really was.

"Looks pretty bad, huh?" she released a nervous laugh "It did hurt a lot" she laughed again, unable to convey a proper façade in which the scar didn't seem an issue.

Arnold frowned. Helga hoped it wasn't a sign of disappointment or anger; the feeling of believing she was disappointing Arnold was something she grew accustomed to with the years, but it hurt every time.

"What happened?" he asked, still frowning.

"It's a long story" Helga sighed, tentatively looking at Arnold's bedroom door for an easy way out.

"I have time" he said, placing a hand on the couch next to him and slowly loosing the frown.

If this had happened some years ago, back when they started dating after the Jungle incident or even when he left to San Lorenzo with his parents, she would have left the room running or even climbed his window and gotten away through the fire escape ladder. But Helga did grow up in these past few years and now she could manage to talk. At least for a while, anyway.

"It's not a big deal, it was an accident" she sighed, sitting down.

"It _is_ a big deal, Helga, it looks painful" Arnold's frown came back, even stronger than before.

"Look, I'm not gonna be sitting here to be judged, Football-head!" Helga shook her arm from Arnold's attempt to grasp it "The last thing I want is you looking down on me, Arnold."

"Helga, I'm not trying to…"

"You're frowning at me!" she sentenced, trying very hard not to let her feelings overflow, because tears could sneak out very easily sometimes "You're disappointed and I don't need someone else telling me how wrong I am…not _you_…" she had to stop talking because her voice was starting to crack.

Arnold looked at her with surprise, slowly trying to touch her right hand.

"I didn't mean to look down on you, I would never do such a thing" he softly said, caressing her hand "I didn't notice my frown, I'm so sorry…I was just worried about you…I didn't mean to assume that…I didn't want to believe that you…I feared that, while I was away, you were in such an awful environment that you…"

"Hurt myself?" she asked, as if it was nothing.

"Yes" Arnold answered "I'm sorry"

Helga took his hand in hers and sighed.

"It's not a self inflicted wound, if that's what you're getting at…but it's not a mere accident either…it's complicated"

She made a pause, but he didn't speak. He wasn't going to push her, she had to speak whenever she felt like it and stay silent whenever she thought it was better. Helga was strong but, at the same time, it was a 'handle with care' situation with her, and Arnold knew it.

"I smashed a mirror" she finally said "and I cut myself with it by accident"

"But…you just said it _wasn't_ an accident, didn't you?" Arnold was honestly confused.

Helga knew that letting all this out wasn't going to be easy for her, but she was now brave enough to try, at least. A part of her was afraid of what Arnold may think of her after she had spoken, but another one knew that, if she wanted their relationship to work, she had to be honest...and hope for the best.

"It was about a year ago, but the cut was pretty deep…I had some stitches for a little while…" she was so fluent when she had a pen in her hand but it took her so much energy to speak up her feelings when she was with someone else "Olga was home, she got a role in a TV show and everyone was praising her about it. After Bob and Miriam paying a bit of attention to me for a while, that night was like a reminder of my entire childhood again…but somehow it was _worse_"

Helga looked at Arnold's rug, fixing her sight in something else so she didn't get influenced by Arnold's deep green eyes looking at her with compassion. She knew that she would break if she looked at him.

"I sort of…stepped out. I was sitting on the table, having dinner with those three, but I stepped out for a moment and looked as an outsider at the scene, remembering what it was, as if I could see a younger me in there. I've always seen it as an insider, even if I knew how bad it was and how annoying it was that they did it, I was always a part of it. Now I saw it as someone else, because I _am_ someone else. I saw little Helga there, being neglected and left alone, with a mother who preferred a drink and a father who preferred his business. And they both would rather have a second with Olga than a lifetime with that little girl."

She frowned, her vision fighting not to get blurred by tears.

"I wanted to stand up and ask '_why are do you hate her? What did that little girl do to you?_' and wait for an answer, because there must have been something very wrong with her…with _me_, for them to deny my existence since the very beginning" she released her hand from Arnold's grasp and pointed at the infinite as if she was talking to her parents "So I stepped in again, interrupted their lovely conversation and said '_Bob, Miriam, why have you always ignored me?_'" she laughed "They must have thought I had finally lost it, by the way they stared at me" her hand relaxed on her lap "And Olga looked at me with a mix of pity and surprise, as if she expected me to snap but thought it wasn't appropriate for me to do it that way"

"What did they say?" Arnold asked.

"Nothing" Helga laughed bitterly "They said they didn't know what I was talking about, and they probably didn't" she smiled "Every teenager argues with her parents, most of them want them to ignore what they do so they don't get scolded or ordered around…but at least that is, most of the times, a sign that your parents care for your welfare and want you to be ok…I hardly ever felt that from Bob and Miriam, only in some occasions, but it wasn't because they were incapable of feeling that, since they showed all their concern and pride to Olga…they just ignored that I was there for most of my life. And the whole unfairness of that is what made me constantly angry. I pretended that it didn't hurt me, that it didn't get me and I didn't care, that Bob and Miriam could live their dream lives with Olga and I was ok as long as I had…_you_" she blushed "But it wasn't…it hurt inside me, it created a hole in my heart that ate me alive and I went around pretending I had this strength because, deep inside, I knew that the softest blow was going to break my heart. I couldn't let that happen."

She breathed in and out before going on, as if speaking required a huge effort from her part.

"After an argument, I stormed upstairs, turned on my computer and logged in my personal blog. Ever since my stuff started to be published, my editor advised me to keep up my blog so I could get a more_ direct_ feedback from my readers…she says that, as a young writer, maybe my readers find it more _compelling_ if they feel close to me" she accented the words 'direct' and 'compelling' with some disdain, as if the socializing matter was a foreign language to her "Anyway, I wanted to go and focus in something that I knew I could manage, just like when I turned into my pink notebooks and wrote poetry for you…" she blushed again "I wanted to log in and write something, but I saw this new message and decided to go check it" a bitter grin appeared in her face "It was a hateful message, to say the least," the smile that she was wearing didn't match the intensity of her eyes "and it insulted not only me but all my work, calling me a '_mediocre romantic with a personality problem who seeks for attention_' and so on" Helga started laughing, covering her mouth with her hand "The _timing_ in that message, Arnold, was incredible. This person was saying that I was seeking an attention I didn't deserve right when I was asking my parents why was I never listened and perceived. It's not like I normally care about those kinds of hateful critics, but sometimes they just arrive in the worst moment possible."

She stopped laughing slowly and looked at the floor again.

"So I stood up, walked to my mirror and looked at my reflection in it." Her tears seemed to be less cooperative now and ready to take over "And I saw this skinny and pale girl with a unibrow, whose eyes were swollen and ready to cry. I saw this unlikeable girl, who spent so much work in pushing people away and now was complaining for not getting any love or care. I saw a prisoner, a victim and a lot of things that I was embarrassed about and that I always swore I wouldn't become. I saw _nothing_. And I realized, then and there, why people wouldn't pay attention to someone like me, why my parents wouldn't listen to me when they had Olga and…" she sighed, as if what she was about to say was the most difficult thing to admit of them all "why would _you_ be able to leave me behind. So, I smashed the fucking mirror and that girl with it, so it would go away and give me back the strong and powerful Helga that I knew was somewhere in there…"

She started crying, but managed to speak anyway. Arnold had the intention of reassuring her, somehow, that everything was fine, but decided to let her finish her story by her own terms first, before saying anything.

"I didn't see the cut until a moment later, and watch mesmerized at my blood running down from my cut towards the rest of my arm. It was like a reminder…like a sign that showed me how all this mess wasn't inside me, it was only in my head. I was a person made of flesh and blood and bones like everybody fucking else and all this shit didn't even make sense. I bled, I hurt, I was _alive_. All the rest is a freakin' inexistent mess that shouldn't even matter, the pain showed me that the darkness wasn't a thing out there, it was inside me, and it made it all the scarier but all the more inexplicable…all the more _unreasonable_. It made me feel free…the cut, the pain, the blood, it _set me free_."

She smiled through her tears, as if she was feeling again that sense of relief that she experienced with the pain. She avoided Arnold's concerned gaze on her, scared of how crazy she was sounding to his zen-boy ears.

Arnold, on the other hand, could sense in the way she spoke the honesty of her words. With time, he learned the difference between the way Helga talked when she was being sincere with her feelings and when she was being defensive. Her voice now, even if sometimes angry and upset, had that sweet tone she used when she recited poetry or she called her 'my angel' while using some French sentences that Arnold always smiled with. It took time for her to show that side to him, the first time he was conscious of that difference was in the FTi building rooftop and he knew now the exact difference: the difference between her calling him 'Football-Head' when she was uncomfortable with public displays of affection and the way in which she said 'Arnold' when her feelings were too strong to disguise, even when they were in public. Once he knew the difference, he realized it happened all the way through their childhood, whenever the proximity of their bodies made her gasp and look vulnerable and soft, her eyes glistening at the sight of him and, seconds later, afraid of her vulnerability, pushing him away with an insult. And now Arnold recognized that tone, that soft and sincere voice: she was opening up for him.

"That is why I told you that, even if I didn't do it on purpose, it wasn't entirely accidental." Helga continued "I didn't plan on doing it and I never thought on attempting something like that, but I felt free by it, I felt more in control of my own self than I ever felt before. But, still, it scared me. Not the cut or the blood, what scared me was what I felt." She dried her tears with the back of her hand "I don't know how much time I was there, looking at the cut, but I started feeling dizzy, and I realized that I had an actual emergency. So, I called my personal 911" she smiled sweetly and Arnold knew what she was going to say "Phoebe was terrified" she was still smiling, but tears ran through her cheeks very so slowly "It didn't take her even 10 minutes to be at my front door with a freakin' ambulance, for Pete's sakes!" Helga laughed, remembering the incident "My parents had no idea what was going on when they opened the door, and I came down as casually as I could. But I must have looked like hell for how Phoebs looked at me. I tripped the last couple of steps and I swear that I saw nothing for a while there…it all felt like a dream" she sighed "or a nightmare…"

"They gave you stitches?" Arnold asked, after some silent seconds from Helga's part.

"Yes, a couple of them, back in the hospital…they also said I was anemic." Helga put her arms around her folded legs and hugged herself "They asked me how much and what had I eaten, and I realized how bad I ate all through my childhood...I smashed a mirror and ended up spending the night on the ER with stitches in one arm and an IV providing me fluids in the other one…Betsy and the Five Avengers didn't spend a good night that day" she pulled her knees towards her chest and hugged herself more tightly "Phoebs was there the whole time…I didn't know how to thank her, I still don't…she kept my parents and Olga away until I was coherent and strong enough to face them, because I knew that they thought the same that you just did and the same that Phoebe thought until I explained her what happened." She smiled "But Phoebe never judged me…we always had these codes to talk about things without really mentioning them, she knew how to make me feel comfortable and how to make me feel like I wasn't really losing my mind…"

Arnold smiled when he saw her smiling, Phoebe and Helga had a stronger relationship than anyone could see on the surface. It always looked like Helga had Phoebe as an assistant, as a follower, when in reality, Phoebe kept Helga together. They both strengthen each other.

"When Bob, Miriam and Olga finally came in," Helga continued "Olga was crying as if she had been tortured or something…her mascara was all over the place and Bob…listen to this, Arnold," she now looked at him, as if she was telling him something amusing "Bob was _comforting her_, criminy!" she laughed, and the laughter was bitter and angry "I was lying on a hospital bed, with an IV and a bandage, unable to move either of my arms and feeling weightless as a feather, and he was comforting _Olga_, who was crying like a fountain while I hadn't been able to cry throughout this whole thing ever since I got the cut." She lost the amused face and only smiled bitterly "I couldn't help but to laugh at all that, I couldn't control myself and, suddenly, all the pain was reflected in my laughter instead of crying it out…my family looked at me as if I was mental, but Phoebe started laughing along and made me feel more comfortable, like she always does. I don't know if she really thought it was funny or if she just knew that, by doing the same I did, I would look less crazy or _feel_ less crazy."

"And what did your parents think?" was Arnold's response.

"They tried, since then, to be nicer to me…but I couldn't handle it. It's like when you're deprived of food for a long time and, when you finally get to eat, if you eat too much, you feel like throwing up and you can't process the food. I was deprived of their attention for so long that I couldn't handle them trying to be nice with me all the time…especially if I knew that, in reality, they didn't think I was ok. When I went to the shrink for the first time, Bob told me that '_we Patakis don't talk about things, we sweep 'em under the rug_'." She imitated Big Bob's tone "I know for a fact that their compassion and care, even if honest, also hides disappointment and fear…and maybe also guilt."

"And that is why you thought that I…" Arnold was then able to put the dots together and felt awful for the way he looked at her, even if he didn't mean any harm.

"Yeah, I figured…" she made a pause "I _know_, Arnold, I know for sure that you're not like them." She looked at him straight in the eyes, with determination "I know that you're a caring soul, that you have more empathy inside you than anyone I know, that you wouldn't judge anybody like _they_ do. I know it, because that is one of the many reasons why you've been my north through all this, _always_. I know that it may seem…creepy to hear this for you, even if it's not the first time you do…but you may be one of the reasons, Arnold, why I never did this" she pointed to her scar "to myself. Not even in my weakest moments, not even in my darkest times. Even if you weren't aware of it, only by seeing your face, I got renewed strength. You reminded me that there was someone out there who was different, who did care and was capable of true love and empathy towards others…" she sighed.

"But?" asked Arnold, patiently.

"But…that is why I snapped at you just now. My biggest fear is that you end up thinking the same way they do about me…and I know I did all sort of things to make that happen." She frowned, looking down and avoiding his gaze "I annoyed you, tortured you, upset you, mocked you through a very long time, boycotting the slightest sympathy that I deserved from you. So, even if I know that you're incapable of looking at me the way they do, I also know that I gave you all the reasons to do it anyway. And I fear the moment when you finally realize that you deserve better than…_this_." She pointed at herself "when you find out that a perfect angel like you deserves a perfect girl…like…"

"Helga…" Arnold wanted to interrupt her because he knew her too well, he was sure about what she was going to say next.

"Like…_Lila_" she pronounced her name with the same tone she did back all those years ago, even if, with time, they grew closer than expected.

Lila Sawyer had been Arnold's 'serious' crush when they were kids, more than his initial crush, Ruth McDougal, who he liked in a more platonic way, and his ephemeral crush, Summer, who didn't last long at all. Lila's personality was what someone would expect that Arnold may be into, and Helga always knew that. Behind her simple and annoyingly perfect attitude, Lila Sawyer had proved to be more intuitive than Helga first thought, and even if she always felt jealous of the girl, Lila tried to get closer to Helga in many occasions. When Arnold left to San Lorenzo, it was Lila who first came to Helga and asked her how she felt. Lila had been aware of Helga's feelings for a very long time and she secretly rooted for Helga and Arnold to find a way to be together, or so she said to Helga. She considered Arnold a very good friend and, as she told Helga, she wanted the best for him, and the best was someone that loved him truly and, as far as Lila was concerned, nobody loved Arnold Shortman as much as Helga Pataki did. Helga had shouted, insulted and cursed her, but Lila never backed away. In the end, their relationship grew stronger than she would have thought, but that only made Helga more aware of how good Lila could be for Arnold.

After seconds of silence that felt like lasting an eternity, Helga was growing insecure about what Arnold was thinking. He seemed to be contemplating a lot of things in his head, but Helga feared to ask him what he thought.

"Helga, Lila is a very good friend for me. I still admire her for being such a nice and kind person, and I turn to her sometimes when I need advice" He looked at Helga, who was looking away "But I don't _love_ her. I never loved her as I love you now"

Helga turned to him in surprise. He had told her that he loved her more than once by that time, but there was always insecurity inside her, not because she doubted him but because she sometimes doubted herself and how capable she was of deserving that love.

"You think so much of me, Helga, and I think that makes me feel exactly like you do. You feel like you don't deserve me and I feel like I can't live up to what you expect of me…I'm not perfect, like you say, I'm just a guy…and I think that my insecurities and yours were what drove us apart back when I left Hillwood. As I told you when I came back and in many of my letters, I never stopped loving you, but I think that we both needed…"

"…to grow up" Helga finished the sentence for him.

"Yes." He smiled "To realize that the 'I don't deserve you' argument was really a bunch of crap"

"Wow, the goody-two-shoes now curses" she giggled "You _did_ grow up, Arnold"

"And you actually talk now, Helga" he grinned "That is great"

"So…you're not disappointed at me? Because of…?" she pointed at her scar again.

"I am nobody to judge you, Helga, you're the only one who can judge yourself and choose what to do. You learned a lot from this, didn't you? Did you ever feel like that again?" he asked "Like when you looked at yourself in the mirror that time?"

"Not really." She answered, more calmed now that he knew everything "I had my moments of feeling down, but I never felt like 'nothing' again. And I got a lot of hurtful messages, but I didn't even mind anymore, because I knew that I was something special. If there is something that I was always capable of doing is expressing all these messed up feelings in an artistic way. When I wasn't able to speak them out loud, writing, painting, creating, taking photographs, it all gave me the means of expressing myself without exploding. The thing is that, back when I was younger, I did all that because of _you_. I turned my feelings into poetry, statues and sonnets about you, and when you left and we broke up, I found a hard time to find what to do when my muse…when things with my muse weren't the same" she sighed "I actually told that to _her_" she smirked, looking at Arnold "to Lila"

Arnold couldn't hide his surprise and that caused Helga to laugh.

"Yes, we've been talking…she's not that bad when she's not stealing you away from me" she playfully punched Arnold's arm "I told her that it hurt me how we broke up and I felt caught because I couldn't rely on you anymore as my artistic escape. If I wouldn't have revealed my feelings to you, maybe the whole platonic situation would have stayed as it was. But she told me that maybe it wasn't just you what I should create about, maybe it was my own self that I should start trying to portray. And she was right." Helga sighed "After that, I started exploring more about myself and expressing my own self artistically without having to rely specifically on you…even if I did write you a letter every night…and you sort of kept inspiring me when I needed it the most…" she smiled awkwardly.

Arnold smiled, remembering all those letters she gave him only when he came back to Hillwood.

"I'd like to see all you've done while I was gone" Arnold said "I was told that you were published and that you had some photographs chosen for a contest, but I haven't seen or read any of it…"

"You don't have bookstores in the Jungle, Arnold-o?" she teased.

"No las suficientes" he answered in Spanish, as he learned through his parents and his years in San Lorenzo.

Helga couldn't help but melt inside when she heard his new accent. Arnold, seeing her surprised expression, started laughing, causing Helga to blush furiously.

"Don't you laugh at me, Football-Head!" she hit him in the arm with 'The Five Avengers' and then crossed hers in front of her torso, as if it would create an invisible shield* to protect her from being mocked.

Arnold brushed his sore arm, still giggling, and noticed her frown, her avoiding gaze and the furious blush on her face. That was the Helga he remembered, the one that could be extremely fiery and passionate but also vulnerable and shy. He grinned as an idea crossed his mind, something that he knew for sure that would make her feel better, and reached out to place a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"I have to admit I missed you calling me that" he whispered, still close to her, referring to the insulting nickname she gave him when they were kids.

Helga instantly froze at the feeling of his lips on her skin. Whenever he touched her, she felt such warmth, an empowering energy, a healing strength that worked magic on her. And it had been so long since the last time they shared loving physical contact, except for their hands holding and some warm hugs when he came back…

She didn't think, she didn't consider the consequences of her actions, she just let her body guide her and do what she was willing to do ever since he came back to her. She threw her arms around his neck, used her weight to lay his back on the sofa they were sitting in, with such speed that he had no chance to stop her, and smashed her lips on his, kissing him passionately. She took over him completely, just as she did on the FTi building's rooftop all those years ago, after a lifetime of hidden feelings and stolen kisses. His lips felt familiar yet comforting, like the balm for all her wounds and cure for all her fears.

Arnold was surprised at first, but couldn't help himself from kissing her back, holding her from her waist as she leaned forward and deepened the kiss. It took them a while to put an end to it and finally back away from each other.

"I am _so_ sorry" Helga apologized, sitting on the couch again "I mean, I wanted to do that but I wasn't planning on…being so…"

"Assertive?" Arnold grinned as he sat up.

"Desperate" she laughed, trying to avoid blushing "I think it's better that I show you my blog now..." she stood up and walked towards Arnold's computer, thanking that she had an excuse to avoid the awkward situation.

As soon as she typed the URL and pressed 'enter', her cellphone, back in the couch, started ringing.

'_I never told you I needed you darling/like a rose needs the rain/how could you possibly know how much?/so I reach for your love/like the moon and the stars/ever in my sight/ever out of touch __'_ **

Helga's heart almost stopped while realizing how appropriate her ringtone resulted on her relationship with the subject of her adorations, who happened to be sitting next to the device itself, so she stood up quickly and ran to it.

"Go check it out" she told Arnold as she took her phone "I'll get the call".

Arnold saw Helga sit down on his bed and pick up the phone with a "_'Sup Phoebes, I can't really talk about the ice-cream just yet_" as he sat on the chair by his desk and turned towards the computer.

Helga's blog wasn't just about her writing, she also displayed her photographs and some paintings and sculptures as well…but one painting in particular caught Arnold's attention. It was her featured picture, a watercolor representing a vast jungle seen from a cliff, the immensity of the green and beige space extended towards infinity, with different kinds of trees, mountains and lakes, all separated from the sunset orange sky by the invisible line of the horizon. Very clearly placed in the limit of the cliff, giving his back to the viewer and his unrecognizable face towards the extension of the jungle ahead, was the silhouette of a young man with a very noticeable oblong shaped head. Arnold recognized himself immediately, in the immensity of the San Lorenzo jungle, even if he could only see his frame in a dark figure contrasting with the colorful jungle and warm colored sunset. The name of the piece was 'Guardian Angel' and Arnold smiled at the sight. The most honest side of Helga was always caught in her art.

'_So, that's what she meant when she said I kept inspiring her when she needed it the most'_ he thought, as he contemplated the piece. It had been painted six months before, and Arnold could see, in the evolution of her art, the evolution of Helga herself. The confidence, how she was finding her own identity and her ability to capture her interior on paint, prose or verse more than in spoken words and actions.

"See anything you like?" he heard behind him, and felt Helga's chin on his shoulder, looking at the screen.

He turned around to look at her in the eyes.

"I do" he said, and kissed her on the nose.

"That's _way_ too cheesy, even for you, Football-Head" she mocked, but the gleam in her eyes proved otherwise.

And he knew. He knew the difference and how both sides came together. Now he knew.

"I know you love when I'm cheesy" he smirked.

"Doi! I know you know" she smiled and closed the gap between their lips once again.

**Fin**

* * *

*I'm almost certain that you know that reference right? The Avengers…SHIELD…silly, I know xP

**I've seen around some ideas with Helga and 'Bad Romance' so I considered it for a ringtone but, judging for the episode 'Preteen Scream', I believe Helga wouldn't be easily attracted to popular and idolized singers, at least not in a 'I'll make that my ringtone' way, maybe as a guilty pleasure. So, I chose a more…underground song, one that I personally love, 'Ever' by Emilie Autumn. I don't know if Helga would be into EA…maybe, maybe not, but I felt the song was appropriate for her here.

Now that the notes are cleared…I have to admit I'm very uneasy about this one. I wanted to get into Helga's insecurity in a darker way without showing her clinically depressed since, judging for what Craig said in some interviews, even if she was going to get darker in The Patakis, she would never be depressed. Still, I wanted to explore more her feelings, get to the root of her insecurities and, with Arnold out of the picture, a moment of transition between relying solely on him for relief and finding a way out herself. I really wanted to use this idea of self harming or not self harming, but I was very insecure about how to make it suitable for Helga without her going OOC. I say 'self harming or not self harming' because, even if it wasn't completely a self injury, the feelings behind it might have been similar to ones of the many perspectives in which self injuries sometimes occur. Very often, and from a personal experience as well, people who go through it are more self aware than they ever were and that is why I chose it for this story, in a less direct way, to fit with Helga's personality. I am not sure whether or not I have achieved it.

I had the story for a while saved there but I never got around to publishing it, doubtful about how it might be seen out there, but I decided to give it a shot and publish it anyway. I was also thinking that I might have to write more in Spanish in this account, because I feel I can't show my true 'potential' in a language that isn't my own, but with my english exam coming up in a few months, the more practice and constructive criticism I can get, the better.

Thanks for reading this very long story!

Read you guys later! Like Lila would say, reviews are ever so welcomed! *shoots self for talking like _Lila_*

**Luly**


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